What Will be January’s Schlockiest Movie? - Geek.com

Certain types of movies tend to come out at certain times. As studios attempt to cater to shifting global tastes these rules aren’t as ironclad as they once were, but they’re still pretty true. Big blockbusters come out in the summer because people have more free time. Artsy, highbrow fare comes out in the fall, so old members of the academy will remember to give them awards. And what comes out in January? Schlock!

Yes, schlock, the cheap and disposable garbage dumped in these dead early months of the year because who cares? Any true movie fan should have a deep appreciation for dumb schlock. There are plenty of legitimately great sci-fi and horror and action movies, but schlock forms the bedrock of those kinds of grindhouse, straight-to-video genres. It’s easy, and not entirely incorrect, to conflate “schlock movies” with ‘bad movies.” However, as cliche, as it sounds, there’s truth in the idea of “so bad it’s good.”

Since it’s January once again, soon a new pile of schlock films will drop into a movie theater near you. Here are our guesses for which ones will be the schlockiest.

Underworld: Blood Wars (Jan 6)

Like clockwork, the vampire-on-werewolf action of the Underworld series appears every few Januarys. The big innovation in this one is that Kate Beckinsale has white hair.

White Slaves of K-Town (Jan 6)

The title alone is schlocky enough, but Andy Dick is in this movie, so you know it’s going to be absolute trash.

Arsenal (Jan 6)

I debated putting this one of the list because Nicolas Cage’s presence in a move doesn’t automatically make it schlock, but it’s not a good sign. Plus this movie doesn’t even have a Wikipedia page.

Monster Trucks (Jan 13)

Everyone’s favorite new MacGyver stars in a movie based on Monster Trucks, which is apparently a brand. What makes these trucks so monstrous? Their machinery is powered by… octopus hermit crab shark things? Sure!

Bad Kids of Crestview Academy (Jan 13)

In this thriller, a bunch of spoiled rotten kids get what’s coming to them… gruesome deaths. Sounds like a recipe for some A+ schlock.

Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies (Jan 13)

These days the line between ironic and sincere schlock has become blurry thanks to phenomenons like Sharknado. Is Attack of the Lederhosen Zombies a purposefully high-concept, low-quality joke movie? Does it even matter any more?

The Bye Bye Man (Jan 13)

Slasher movies are another staple of schlock. In The Bye Bye Man the gimmick is once you think about the monster or say his name out loud he possesses you. It’s like Candyman, but not as good because Tony Todd isn’t in it.

Doobious Sources (Jan 20)

This is a movie about stoner journalists called Doobious Sources. Doobious Sources. Doobious Sources!

Split (Jan 20)

M. Night Shyamalan has always been a master of schlock, but before he hid behind a veneer of respectability and budgets. Not anymore. In Split James McAvoy stars as a kidnapper with 23 different, occasionally murderous, personalities. And the twist ending has to be seen to be believed. Thanks, Jason Blum!

XXX: Return of Xander Cage (Jan 20)

If Fast and Furious can have this miraculous comeback how about one of Vin Diesel’s other early 2000s extreme action movies? Skiing through treetops is a strong contender for schlockiest moment of the year.

The Resurrection of Gavin Stone (Jan 20)

That one guy from Marvel’s Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. stars in a movie from WWE Studios about a washed-up actor trying to play Jesus by pretending to be Christian. It took me two days to type that sentence because of how little sense it makes.

Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (Jan 27)

The Resident Evil games were smart enough to pair their schlock aesthetic with gameplay that was actually good and revolutionary. The Resident Evil movies? Not so much. Here’s hoping Milla and the gang are saving the best for last.

What Will be January’s Schlockiest Movie? – Geek.com


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