3Online is a strange and terrifying place. It’s enabled us to connect with one another, advance the causes of science and culture, and unite the world with a glowing net of data. It’s also enabled people with very… particular interests to find each other. In this new weekly series, we’ll be dipping into the Internet Gutter – the strange subcultures and weird worlds lurking in the dark pockets of the World Wide Web.
As George Michael famously sang, “sex is natural / sex is good / not everybody does it / but everybody should.” We’re not in the business of kink-shaming here at Geek dot com, and whatever you want to get off to (as long as it’s legal and consensual) is perfectly fine by us.
That said, being obsessed with wedgies is kind of intense. If you were homeschooled in a barn or something, just got on the Internet and didn’t know what a wedgie is, it’s pretty simple: grab a victim’s underwear in the back or sides and yank up as hard as you can. That pulls the bottom into their balls and taint with force, causing both pain and embarrassment. It’s a key bully move that middle schoolers the world over deploy with gusto.
It’s also the currency that the members of Wedgie Haven trade in on their ridiculously active message board, which brings crotch-pain fetishists from all over the world together to write stories, post artwork and generally get really serious about having your tighty whiteys a little too tight.
The Brotherhood Of The Wedgie
One of the most fascinating things about wedgie fetishism is that there are myriad different kinds of wedgies. It’s not nearly as simple as just yanking some poor schlub’s Hanes up into his crack. That’s referred to as a “normal” or “basic” wedgie. If you really want to get serious, though, you need to learn the lingo.
If the attacker yanks the front of the underwear up instead of the back, that’s a “melvin.” If you do a melvin after a normal wedgie, that’s a “squeaky clean.”
Probably the most popular type of wedgie at Wedgie Haven is the “atomic wedgie,” where the bully grabs the underwear and pulls so hard that the elastic waistband goes up over the victim’s head. Sounds impossible, but that adds to the fetish appeal.
Then you get to the “hanging wedgie,” where the underwear is attached to an inanimate object like a tree or a door frame and the victim is left dangling helpless. There are dozens more – the “piledriver wedgie,” the “Speedo wedgie,” et cetera.
To learn about these techniques, you can visit the “training room” section of Wedgie Haven, where users discuss the best ways to execute wedgies on themselves and each other.
Care To Share
The most active and prolific sections of the site are the ones where users share their own wedgie adventures, offering distressing selfies of underwear stretched beyond the point of no return. Here’s a sample from user “wedgieboy803,” who writes:
“Here’s a hanging wedgie I did off my deck. They’re a pair of athletic shorts with Hanes boxer briefs underneath to prevent anything from digging in. I did this in broad daylight where my neighbors could have looked through the woods and seen me.”
Yikes. His poor neighbors.
In addition to photographs and videos, some users also make artwork. Unsurprisingly, as with every fetish, there’s a crossover with the furry community, and the forums are full of drawings of anthropomorphic animals shredding underwear.
One would think it’d be pretty easy to satisfy a wedgie fetish, and there are plenty of pictures on the forum of dudes hanging themselves up by their undies and seeming very happy about it. But life isn’t complete without problems, and some Wedgie Haven regulars have plenty of them.
One of the most common questions that comes up is how to tell a significant other about your wedgie needs. It’s not the kind of thing that comes up in normal conversation, obviously, and unlike other sexual desires you can’t really work it intodinary making out. The site is actually pretty thoughtful in its FAQ section, offering advice on coming out as a wedgie lover, whether enjoying male wedgies makes you gay (the answer: probably), and more.
Making New Friends
Wedgie Haven users even take things offline and meet up for mutual underwear pulling parties. It’d be easy to snark on stories like the one above, but you know what? These are two dudes who share a seriously obscure and hard to satisfy obsession who have managed to get together and work it out with each other in a safe and sane way.
Sure, they’re rolling around in a park competing to see who can drive the other’s underwear farthest into their buttcrack, but nobody’s getting seriously hurt, and buying new pairs of underwear will stimulate the economy. Although you wouldn’t catch me dead or alive indulging, we salute you brave wedgie warriors on your adventures deep within the crack.