Stay on target
Listen. Power Rangers is trash. It always was. I have a massive amount of nostalgia for the franchise, and it was legitimately cool how that enterprising producer Haim Saban was able to stitch together a new American show from old Japanese Super Sentai footage. But the show itself is trash. To feel justified calling out utter garbage from the 1980s like He-Man I have to be willing to acknowledge 1990s garbage like Power Rangers.
That said, Power Rangers, while trash, never looked gross. Sure there were some ugly monsters but they were supposed to be ugly. All of the heroes wore silly but stylish and colorful spandex while riding around in sleek giant robot animals. “Don’t look gross” seems like a pretty obvious aesthetic goal. Unfortunately, the upcoming big-budget Power Rangers reboot movie didn’t get the memo.
Recently the redesigned Alpha 5 was revealed, and just look at what Geek’s own K. Thor Jensen had to say about the thoroughly gross, veiny, potbellied take on the previously cute little android.
This guy likes to fuck https://t.co/oGrHJhLO10
— K. Thor Jensen (@kthorjensen) November 30, 2016
Bill Hader is voicing the character and I hope he just uses his Stefon voice.
The new Alpha 5 is by far the grossest redesign so far, but the “updated” incarnations of the Rangers and their Zord vehicles are similarly visually repellent. Instead of the clean lines and iconic shapes of the originals, everything is a throbbing, metal, musclebound mess. I know the Power Rangers wear skintight suits but now they look like robots who had their skin ripped off of them.
Meanwhile, instead of looking like dinosaurs, the Zords barely look like anything at all.
Chills run down my spine thinking about how disgusting they’re going to make the already frightening Bryan Cranston when they turn his big bald head into famous floating tube alien Zordon.
Ironically, aside from some dirt smeared on her arms, Elizabeth Banks as antagonist Rita Repulsa is probably the nicest-looking thing to come from the movie so far. And I don’t mean that in a gross way.
It’s unfortunate but understandable why the Power Rangers have to look so gross now. The Transformers movies have been making billions of dollars for almost a decade featuring gross versions of beloved children’s robots. But it’s really sad when Joseph Kahn’s fan-film poking fun of how dumb a gritty Power Rangers reboot would be is still more pleasant to look at than the real dumb thing. It’s hard to enough to admit the stuff I love is trash. Stop making that trash even uglier.
Power Rangers disappoints in theaters March 24, 2017. Here’s hoping it’s a nonstop orgy hosted by Alpha 5.