Okay, let me preface this by saying it’s 3:50 in the morning. I’m dealing with some insomnia and could be hallucinating this. I was scrolling through Facebook and found an ad for the Cheetos Store. And that would be totally normal if it was just a Frito-Lay storefront with t-shirts and mugs and crap like that.
No, this is haute (flamin’ haute?) couture. This is Designs by Chester Cheetah.
Cheetah paw cufflinks, “the premier gift for those who dress to the nines and wish to take it to eleven.”
Cheeteau perfume, “crafted from hand-extracted cheese oils taken from only the rarest Cheetos®.”
A Dangerously Silky Scarf that, to be completely honest, looks like an awesome cape.
Bronzer “the color of cheese, the glow of the sun.”
Some of these things are out of stock, and some of those out of stock items are, I hope, comedically “out of stock” products that were never actually sold. Otherwise, it means someone actually spent $20,000 on the Eye of the Cheetah ring and earring set, a combination of black diamonds and orange sapphires set in 18-karat gold.
There’s also orange-and-black Toilet Paw-per, which “can elegantly accentuate any outfit, whether as a pocket square, neck scarf or even a trendy wrist-tie.” It also has the texture of gaffer tape, based on the photos.
I’m looking for any evidence that this whole thing is a joke because otherwise, I’m afraid in my insomniac reverie I’m going to order a bottle of Cheeteau and be very confused when it arrives in the mail in a few weeks.
So help me, nothing in the store’s FAQ is breaking kayfabe. It even references Frito-Lay’s return policy. Man, that scarf looks cool. I’m so tired.
All images courtesy of the Cheeto Store and not our sleepless imagination.