The dankest wizards of all time and space | News |

If you’ve spent any time at all with fantasy fiction – whether it’s novels, movies, television shows, comics, games (video) or games (tabletop) – you know full well that there’s absolutely nothing doper than a wizard. Sure, there’s a certain charm to a hulking barbarian or a dexterous rogue, but at the end of the day, it’s some magical sumbitch that’s going to pull everyone’s bacon out of the fire. So, for your perusing enjoyment, we here at have assembled this list of the absolutely diggity-dank-dizank-dizanksters wizards. Sticky icky-ass wizards.

Note: We are fully aware of the difference between sorcerers and wizards. The former are born with their magical abilities, while the latter have to study for them. We are 100% aware. No one is more aware of it than we are. Please don’t tell us about it in the comments. And don’t even get us started on warlocks.

The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comAvatar Legendary animator Ralph Bakshi was getting down before you were even born, so it should come as no surprise that his first fantasy flick, Wizards, was exceptionally dank. One of the film’s two wizards was Avatar, a bearded, crossfaded old coot into drinking, smoking, and hanging out with buxom fairies that are, at most, a quarter of his age. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comCheech Wizard Bakshi’s Wizards was heavily influenced by the work of Vaughn Bodé, the cartoonist best known for creating Cheech Wizard. Typically seen drunk and/or high, this foul-mouthed, urban patois speaking lech makes Avatar seem like an altar boy. Also? Exceptionally dope habadasherial choices. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comJohn Constantine If you only know John Constantine from his television and film appearances, you’re missing out. While the show and movie are way better than most comics diehards give them credit for, neither fully delve into the wanton, self-destructive depravity that defines the hero recently voted as “DC Character Aubrey Would Most Like To Go Drinking With.” The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comDoctor Strange So, a dude named Benedict Cumberbatch doesn’t sound super dank to me either. But consider this: Doctor Strange was created in the 1960s and lived in Greenwich Village. Greenwich Village back when it was seedy and artsy, but still affordable enough for actual artists to live there. You know he was getting up to some weird stuff. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comElric of Melnibone Elric is pretty much the only reason we chose to include sorcerers in this list. Yeah, he was born into his abilities (inherited, as one of the traditionally wicked sorcerer-kings of Melnibone, natch), but because of his degraded bloodline, the albino hero has to take literal drugs in order to keep his strength and power up. Sure, the “drugs” were later changed to “herbs,” but we all know what that means. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comGandalf The Lord of the Rings flicks legit start with Gandalf showing up, smoking with Bilbo, and getting the hobbit so blazed that he sees the smoke from their “pipe-weed” forming into a ship. Whether grey or white, Gandalf knows how to get down. Hey, by the way: What does Gandalf say when he’s running low on Old Toby? YOU SHALL NOT PASS. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comAlan Moore Not a lot of IRL wizards made this list, so you know the ones that did absolutely earned their spot. With his groundbreaking work on comics like Watchmen, From Hell, and Promethea, you could make a fair claim as to Moore conjuring up all kinds of sequential art goodness, and that’s even before you consider that he’s devoted himself to the ancient snake god Glycon. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comRadagast Gandalf and Saruman are the best known wizards in the Lord of the Rings, but they aren’t the only ones. In fact, they aren’t even our favorite ones! While Gandalf is all about sitting around, thinking smart thoughts, and smoking pipe-weed, and Saruman is way too ambitious to be truly dank, Radagast is out in the woods, talking to animals, letting birds poop on him, and scarfing mushrooms. Perfection. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comRaistlin Majere The various campaign settings of Dungeons & Dragons are absolutely lousy with wizards. Except for Dark Sun, but that’s neither here nor there. Of all of them, however, the absolute dankest is perhaps Raistlin, from the world of Dragonlance. A frail, blood-coughing nerd, Raistlin transcends this obvious handicap by veering into evil magics. Switching to black robes for your heel turn is a little on the nose, but sometimes that’s what being truly dank is all about. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comSolomon If you only know the Biblical King Solomon from Sunday school, you might be a little confused as to why he’s on this list, as there’s nothing really all that dank about threatening to cut babies in half. But the true dankness of Solomon is tied up with how he built his kingdom: Summoning and enslaving actual demons with the help of weird sigils, pentagram-esque seals, and/or a magical staff. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comZhuge Liang This is a really dude-heavy and whitebread list, and for that we apologize. But while our modern conception of wizards is very much influenced by Eurocentrism, there are wizards – dank ones even – in many different cultures. To wit, Chinese chancellor and strategist Zhuge Liang, who you probably know best as the fan-wielding dude who can summon winds and other weird phenomenon in the Dynasty Warriors video games. The dankest wizards of all time and space | News | Geek.comHarambe RIP Harambe.

Did we list your favorite diggity-dizankadonk-doobie-brother-dank-dank-dizank wizard? If not, tell us about them in the comments below!

Aubrey Sitterson is the creator of the ongoing sword & sorcery serial podcast, SKALD. The wizards contained within are too big of jerks to be truly dank, but you should listen anyway, on iTunes, Google Play, Stitcher, & Podomatic. Follow Aubrey on Twitter or check out his website for everything he’s got going on.

The dankest wizards of all time and space | News |


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